just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
