Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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