Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
