Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
