if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
