where am i from again
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
