Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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