Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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