If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
