I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
