I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
God, I missed his penis.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
