im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
