I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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