the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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