the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize