My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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