Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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