Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
