Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
