I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
