I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Your cock deserves a montage
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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