i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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