I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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