I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
