How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
