sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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