happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
