But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
