wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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