it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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