I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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