I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
