Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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