Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
