No awkward lesbian experiences without me
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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