I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize