I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
