Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
