yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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