You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
