Just cropdusted the office
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
