the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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