What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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