Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
