Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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