okay pat passed out under dana's car
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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