His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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