she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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