i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
