one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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