I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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