Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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