I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize