I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
