I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
