Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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