I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Text me some of your sweat
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
