so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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