Moan for me like Helen Keller
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
