My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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