oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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