it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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