he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
