Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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